


In God I Trust

by spacecrimes



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Religion, Sad, Vampire Raphael, Young Raphael, broken raphael, everything is hell, faith - Freeform, religious raphael
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-30
Updated: 2016-03-30
Packaged: 2018-05-30 04:22:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6408556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacecrimes/pseuds/spacecrimes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Psalm 91:7 “A thousand may fall at your side, and ten thousand at your right hand; but it shall not come near you.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	In God I Trust

Raphael was a believer. He was one of those people who thought God carved you a path and wrote your destiny in thin air. He thought God touched you the day you were born, and marked you with his protection. So, when his little brother got sick, he turned to God. He asked for mercy, he cried and begged and begged and begged. And when he got better, he thanked God. Because he thought God breathed in every single of us.

He thought God could take your worries away. He thought a mistake could be fixed with a prayer, that everyone could be forgiven. He thought God gave second chances. Because God was merciful and good, and loved all of his children.

So, that night, when his friend gave him a gold cross to protect him, his faith didn’t vanish. It grew stronger. Because that cross, that cross was the symbol of his protection. It showed everyone that God kept an eye on him. Having that cross made him feel invincible. Waves could crash, wind could blow, fire could burn. Nothing would get to him. God said not to be afraid, because he will keep you from harm. And, at fifteen years old, Raphael believed it, because his trust in God was stronger than anything.

So when the raid started, he went in head first, thinking he would protect his friends and family from the abomination that was trying to take over his neighborhood. But he wasn’t ready, he wasn’t ready for any of it. And how could he be? How could a teenage boy fight such a monster?

He screamed and cried for God to help him, to keep his promises and save him from this. But it was too late. God wasn’t here, there was only blood and damnation.

“Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” And for the first time in his life, Raphael didn’t listen to God and decided to seek revenge for himself. He took the life of his punisher, thinking it would help. Maybe, somehow, it would reverse it, it would take the pain away. And in this blur, he slaughtered his friends.

He screamed that night again, he screamed and screamed. Tears flooding out of his eyes, running down his cheeks, wiping off the blood and the dirt, the pain and the grief.

And when he tried to pray, when he tried to say "God", when he called for his savior, his whole world fell apart.

The word got stuck in his throat. He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think. He didn’t understand. Why couldn’t he say it? He tried it again, and again, the word didn’t make it.

Finally, after long minutes of trying, choking and crying, he understood.

He was undead. He was damned. He was no longer God’s child. He was a creature of the night, a monster.

Later, when Magnus Bane tried to save him, his mother prayed. She held his hand and whispered for God to protect her baby boy, to save him from this life of misery and eternal punishment. But it didn’t work. So she kissed his oh so cold forehead, made Magnus promise he would take care of him and left.

Raphael lost everything that night. His family, his friends, his humanity. But not his faith. He promised himself he would fight to get God’s love back, he would do anything it takes to fix this, to be forgiven.

So, he tortured himself for weeks. Walked on holy ground, felt the burn of his mother’s cross, choked on God’s name, bore the touch of the Bible. And eventually, when he managed to do all of this without hurting, he came back to his family. His mother couldn’t believe it, she thought he found a way to cure himself, so she welcomed him back with open arms. And Raphael’s faith got restored.

**Author's Note:**

> Forgive me, I didn't sleep. Feedback is highly appreciated. @alecIightwoods


End file.
